Hey.
Everytime I blog here, you know its because I'm emoing. Haiz... thankfully i doubt anyone will read this blog anymore, so its like a escape path for all my emotions to be thrown in. While watching this Taiwanese drama Huan Huan Ai by Rainie Yang, I kept crying in the last few episodes. Do you know that throughout the show, a lot of things that the guy said, made me remember me n her ? When I saw the female lead hugging the male lead from behind to comfort him, I remember how it felt when she hugged me from behind. When I watch the whole show, I kept thinking how nice it would be if I had a gf like that, someone who would forgive you when u apologised. Someone who would go out of her way, to lie to her siblings, so that she can spend the night at your house, to spend more time with u, because she knows you like it when you wake up and see her face the first thing in the morning. A girlfriend who would rush to you everytime u needed her, and made you the first important thing in her life. A girlfriend who understands you, and gives in to you often.
You know what ? I had someone like that in my life too. Yet.... Sometimes, I force myself to stop thinking about her. I make myself think that other girls are better, and think that Sabrina was not everything, and yet, certain things that I see, or certain stuff that I hear, or even something that is shown in the tv, can make me think about me and her in the past. I hate being like that. I always thought I could be strong, and act like what everyone expects out of me, to be strong and get on with life, because that's what I'm good at, moving on. But, this time, I know, its not easy at all for me to let go of her.
I remember the times when I used to tell her I want to marry her, start a family with her and have kids with her, grow old with her, see our grandchildren come to this earth, and hold her hand and walk the park when we're really old. Its hard accepting the cold truth that nothing of this will happen.
Its super hard for me to see her happy with him. I never told anyone, and I tried my best to smile and laugh it away, but everytime I see her happily with him, my heart breaks. Again and again. Every week I mend it, and yet when I see them on Sunday, it breaks again. I try my best to talk to her like a friend, and accept their relationship, but while my face is smiling, my heart is bleeding.
Its my life. I know it. Its like a curse. From young till old, everytime I think about something, in the end, I will never end up with it, and it will end up with someone and I wil see that someone happy with it, whether its a friend or foe, family or stranger. I thought me being with Sab would be something that I could think of, and will work out in the end. Yet, the curse still manage to catch up with me. I bullied her, made her life miserable, made everything she ever wished for from me disappear. I knew her greatest wish with me was for me to be a Christian, to love God as much as she loves him too. I knew she wanted me to place her as my top priority, just like her. I know she wants me to just care for her more, be there for her more, give her surprises and bring small joys to her life. And yet, even such a simple thing, I cannot accomplish. I dashed all her dreams and hopes of me. I wasted 3 years of her youth....
Do I deserve a another chance ? I wish everytime, hoping that God will give me one more chance. I wish she would fall out with the guy and come back to me. And yet, when I think about it, and I know it will never happen again, I harden my already-torn heart, and make a wish to God, hoping he will look over their relationship, making sure he and her will be happy forever. But does anyone know, that just like in those shows that you watch on tv, when you see the girl you like with another guy, especially when you had the girl, but you hurt her, and you have to bear the consequences of seeing her happier with another guy, knowing that guy is tons better than you, the pain is really hard to bear, and its almost comparable to cutting yourself again and again.....
Everyone ask me to move on. Tong say I should be happy cause she's not the right girl for me. I know they don't have any other advice for me. What else can they say ? Don;t give up ? Fight for your love ? Wait for her ? Thank you my friends. Thank you for thinking that I'm the opptimistic person like you all have always known, but I need to say, that I'm not. Its really not easy to give up all the loving and bad memories of us for the past 3 yrs.
I have a confession to make. Sabrina used to have crushes on 3 guys while she was with me, and everytime I find out I feel hurt. The first time I broke up with her in our 3 yrs of relationship, with was in April 2007, I made myself like this girl who was my gd fren's best fren, called Sharon, because I wanted her to know how I feel everytime I find out she likes another person. I guess its karma, because when I finally realise she was all I really wanted, and the only girl I've ever liked and wanted to marry, I hurt her in the worst ways, and she finally found someone better than me in a thousand ways.
I tried my best to tell her in the 3 yrs of relationship, that I did not like her because she loved me. But she never could understand this. I guess even till the end, although it wasn't a reason for her to break up with me, she always had the thought that I loved her only because she was the only girl who did not reject me. Does she know that, I really really wanted to marry her ? I sucked as a bf, I must suck, which is why I could never make her understand how much I really loved her.
I hope one day she will cry for me. I know she doesn't want me in her life any longer, but I hope one day, if I died, she would be the one that would miss me like my family. She would be the one who would cry a lot for me, at least then I would know I still have a spot in her heart.
I think I cried till my tears have dried, my heart have broken, and my soul is ripped. But life must go on, yes ? So I can only say, that no matter how strong I appear to be on the outside, how flirtacious and mean I am with girls, no matter how sarcastic I am to others, I want to apologise, and say that its the only way to hide my hurt, and this blog, will be the only source that I can pour my bleeding heart into, so that no one will ever know, how I feel deep down....
If only the pillow I hug to sleep was her.. if only I can hold her small and white hands, look her in her eyes, kiss her on the forehead, and tell her I still love her, and still want to spend the rest of my life with her....
I'm still, and forever is ....
yOUR Guardian Angel.....
